BEYOND THE “I”

The Coach’s First Question to Themselves – Who Am I?

When we step into the world of coaching, one question comes up very often: what brought you here?

Most of the time, the answer, perhaps a little cliché, is:

I like helping others, or people naturally open up to me and share their thoughts and vulnerabilities. And somewhere, that begins to make us feel that we could be good coaches.

But along with that, something else quietly enters the space, the “I”.

As we begin sitting in real coaching conversations, many of us notice something uncomfortable. We may be trained, we may be “competent”, and yet… something feels missing.

We find ourselves still struggling to become good coaches.

And in that search, we often start adding more: more certifications, more frameworks, more learning, hoping that one of them will bridge this gap.

But what is this gap, really?

Most of us come from structured, professional backgrounds. We carry rich experiences, achievements, and everything we have learned along the way. Quite a few times it reflects involuntarily in our body language.

And without even realizing it, we carry our “I” into the session.

And that… is the gap.

So, what is the first step to bridge it?

Before skills, before tools, before presence, there is a quieter question a coach must sit with:

Who am I?

Over time, one answer has stayed with me, something I am still exploring:

I am “NOBODY.”

Now, this can sound strange… even uncomfortable.

“I am nobody” is not about lacking self-worth.

It is not about putting ourselves down.

It is not about losing who we are.

It is about something far simpler, and far deeper.

It is about letting go of the “I” in the moment, because the moment that “I” enters:

We start shaping the space.

We start forming opinions.

We subtly begin to direct.

We feel the need to perform… to ask the “right” question… to have a “good” session.

sometimes, without intending to, a quiet power dynamic also slips in.

And all of this takes us a little away from what coaching really asks of us, to be fully with the client, just as they are.

So, what happens when a coach becomes a NOBODY?

It removes that interference.

Something shifts.

Presence stops being something we try to create, it is just there.

Curiosity becomes lighter, more natural.

Listening deepens on its own.

The need to prove anything begins to fall away.

We start exuding a warm and loving presence.

And what remains is simple, but powerful, being the space.

A space where the client can meet themselves, without influence, without direction, without judgment.

That is the work. That is the shift.

And how does one arrive here?

Not by adding more.

Not by collecting more certifications.

But by gently noticing, in moment after moment:

What part of “I” am I bringing in right now?

And then, just as gently, setting it aside.

Again, and again.

This is not easy. It is not a one-time realization. It is a practice we keep returning to.

It reminds me of a scene from Game of Thrones, where Arya Stark is repeatedly asked: Who is the girl? She cannot move forward until she lets go of every identity she holds and becomes “no one.”

Perhaps being a coach asks for something similar, learning to be a nobody.

A Reflection to Sit With

The next time you step into a conversation, coaching or otherwise, pause for a moment and ask yourself:

What part of “I” am I bringing into this space?